nightmares

We went to see this play called Proof last night.

I had no idea what the play was about, although I'd heard of it. Tickets were free and it turned out to be a captivating production.

The play is about the daughter of a once-brilliant-and-now-gone-mad mathematician who is recently deceased.
Most of the play revolves around the contents of more than 100 notebooks that he scribbled in during his descent into mental disease.

I can't even begin to draw you the parallels between this play and my own life, but let's just say, they were striking.

It was a good play. Well written, thoughtful. And I recognized some similarities as I watched the show, and moments truly resonated. I knew it at the time.

But I guess i never realized how much till I woke up in the middle of the night last night after a terrible dream.

Dad doesn't show up in my dreams very often. But when he does, it's in the gentle fog of "heeeey....where have you been/so glad to see you/how are you?" kind of stuff. We have conversations, and it leaves me feeling like I've filled him in somehow.

But that isn't how last night went. Not at all.

I was angry. No one could see him but me. I yelled at him. And he was confused. So he left.

Dad, I'd like to apologize. If you come back to visit, I promise not to yell. I promise.