alone

am lonely.

bf, who I worked very hard at getting him to agree to move in with me, and all the other rites of passage that go along with said move, has gone away. For work.

am bored out of gourd.

I've had time to work on the new work situation. I've decided I just have too much to do.
Perhaps i will take a nap...NO! I will come on strong. i will get my ass motivated and get things organized. I just wish the nightmares would stop. about me, teaching with no clothes on. About me, not understanding why all the other teachers are laying around wearing floaty clothes and lying about resting on huge cushions to seem more enlightened.

i have two types of dreams about teaching. In one, I am genius teacher who excels in face of horrifying odds and behaviors and appropriately handles each potentially disasterous situation. I wake up feeling like a very good teacher, who is exceedingly prepared and ready to go back to teaching. I need more of these. Cause the other type of dream, I am a ninny. a useless human, good for nothing except babbling on about why I wasn't prepared, why i didn't know how things work. etc. on and on. In these dreams, I generally do something with the kids or the parents that immediately turns into mass chaos. it is a bit less than reassuring when i wake up with these dreams. oof.

I just don't know what I am facing. I don't know anyone there, I have no allies. At least at home, when I was teaching, as bad as things got, I always had K on my side. an ally. a reassurance. a partner in crime. i don't know very many folks at this place, and on top of not knowing how anything works, I have to work at making new friends as well. that thought makes me tired.

I used to like that idea. New friends, new life, new start. now it makes me tired to think of it. I tire of investing in people who turn out to be disappointments. it's unfortunate. I mean, of course, not everyone turns out that way, and yes, even people i don't like/talk to anymore had value in my life, because well, I learned something from them. I guess. i know i know. but having to start over at 30. well, it's a bit daunting.

I think I am in a bit of a funk. I don't know what to prepare for this first trimester, yet I don't want to look unprepared. how do you teach a class with 3 kids? instead of a class with 35? 35, I know what to do with. i worry that 3 will just expect me to know more or be more or something.

I just need to get in there and get on with it. I am heading up there tomorrow. I can see what I can stir up....

i miss j.
this apt is huge, and a bit creepy without him. i hope he comes home soon.